Thursday, December 27, 2012

'Good Morning' & Other Textual Encounters by Jennifer Sanchez

“Good Morning” & Other Textual Encounters

I am not what people would call a “phone person”.  If I do somehow get caught on the phone, I spend a majority of the time waiting for a pause in their story so I can start talking about me.  However, I’m a big fan of texting.  I can respond when I feel like it, I can multi-task and do other things like watch TV or read Mediatakeout, and I’m not forced to be funny or charming.  Texting is my shit.  

As any girl can tell you, we routinely get messages from dudes that seem like SUCH a waste of words, you start wishing we could go back in time to when it cost ten cents per text.  Maybe a dude would think twice before sending you a whole lot of nothing.

That being said, here are the texts that blow me so hard, I have to put my phone down and walk away.

  • the “good morning” text
I cannot put into words how much I hate the “good morning” texts.  Don’t get me wrong…I’ll entertain that shit (because I entertain a lot of dumb shit.) But the idea that I’m suppose to get all geeked up because you spent 1.8 seconds typing out “good morning” to me in between waking up and washing your face…naaaah.  In my mind, dude is sending me this while lying in bed next to his actual girlfriend.  And that makes me cringe.

2. the “send me a pic” text
“Send me your pictures, baby, you know I’d never leak it.  I know you got something recent for someone decent”.

A girl might try to curve you with the “I don’t keep pictures of myself in my phone”.  


This is such a boldfaced lie that it makes me laugh every time I say it.  SLIM.  Girls have Facebook photo albums, Instagram, Snapchat, and own an effin Macbook for the Photo Booth feature ALONE.  I have so many pictures of me in my “Photos” folder that I damn nearly break my arm trying to grab that shit back when someone holds my phone too long.  But if I choose to grace you with a picture, it’s going to be random and when you least expect it.  Like during your little sister’s ballet recital.  Or your great aunt’s wake.  Don’t ask and you shall receive.

  • the unprompted dick pic
Here I am, minding my own business, doing some regular activity like baking cookies or watching Say Yes to the Dress or vacuuming the living room.  Or maybe I’m at work because it’s 2pm on a Tuesday.  My phone lights up!  I have a text!  Yay!  I open it and I see…your penis.  Maaaaaaaan.  Listen.  Women…are not men.  We don’t get all turned on and excited by seeing a close up of your nether regions.  No.  NOOOOO.  Especially…and I will say this a few times so people get it…especially especially especially especially especially if I didn’t ask. The worst part about an unprompted dick pic is the UMPROMTED part.   Come onnnn.  It’s still daylight outside.  I’m trying to eat lunch.  Ain’t no one got time for that.  

  • the “hours later” response…especially if he hit YOU up
I get that people are busy.  You’re busy.  I’m busy.  But no one is so busy that a response hours later is acceptable.  I’m not saying we need to text all day and all night (if we are talking TALKING then yes.  Yes, we do) but if we just engage in conversation every once in awhile, the only thing I expect are prompt responses.  Odds are, the guy hit YOU up.  Don’t bring that kind of stress to my phone.  Don’t swindle me into a conversation and then halfway through, decide to dip out.  I bet you Obama always responds to people’s texts.  And you, sir, are not Obama.

  • “WYD?” “u up?” “how r u?”
I feel like these kinds of questions can all get lumped into one category.  What you doing?  You up?  How are you?

 Uhhh… I’m not doing shit, I am totally up unless you are horny because then I am asleep, and I’m good.  My answer will always be “I’m good”.  I will never be like “How am I?  So glad you asked.  Not too well.  See, a few weeks ago….” 

Actually, you know what?  Screw it.  I’m not accepting any more texts from dudes.  It’s all smoke signals and telegrams from here on out.  I’ll be awaiting your carrier pigeon.    


Anonymous said...

hold up lol

Sebastian Fraser said...

Very funny! Check more cute morning texts for her in internet collection I am sure you will find something special.